If you follow me on Instagram, you have probably saw me post a little about this on my story. If you do not follow me… what are you doing? You’re at home, sitting on the couch, doing nothing! LOL… follow me @layahquin
When I posted about this experience on my Instagram, I was not expecting the feedback and transparency that followed. When I post anything I am never expecting it but I am doing what I feel on my heart hoping that someone, just one person at least, can find themselves in my situation and not feel alone. Quite a few people responded to my story. Some with encouragement and others expressing how my transparency was right on time. I felt the need to talk more about it for those who found themselves in my position and others who have no idea what I am talking about.... So without going into too much detail, here it is.
As mentioned on Instagram, recently, a few situations caused me to feel pushed aside, forgotten about, inadequate and kind of questioning some of my relationships. If you know me, I am always extending a helping hand. I love helping and assisting people in any way that I can… especially those that I hold close to my heart. I love making people smile and lifting heavy weights by utilizing the gifts that God has given me whether it be creatively, cleaning floors, setting up decorations, whatever. No matter the time or place. I even crack a few jokes every now and then If you need me to lol. I had realized that a couple people close to me had no use for me. At least that’s how they made me feel and it was obvious. With no explanation. No transparency. This affected me greatly. I had questions about myself and others. I cried. I felt upset. I was hurt. Part of the hurt came from the expectations I had placed on these individuals. I expected them to want me to be involved. It’s commonly universal for people to want to receive the same treatment that they give in return which varies from relationship to relationship. I thought to myself, “If it was me, I would’ve at least communicated this to them because I value them and their feelings.” I realized that this was not mutual. Also, I felt inadequate. Insufficient. Lacking. I thought, “What am I not doing?”, “Am I not good enough?”...
I was willing to sacrifice my time and energy to be apart and give my all. I wanted to. But, I was not worth the inclusion or explanation.
Some time went on. I had taken on a project or rather an assignment. In fact, I was specifically selected personally to take part. I am documenting a life changing process and story of someone who grows closer to my heart every time we connect. This includes being able to have time in my busy schedule to capture moments with my camera and edit them. This means getting to know this person and spending time with her. Gaining a friendship and level of comfortability. When this opportunity was first mentioned to me, my heart sank into my chest. I did not know how I would gather up the courage during our time together. I did not know if I would say the right things or be mentally prepared. These doubts and questions quickly disappeared with an overwhelming peace and confidence. Fast forward, I realized that this task would have collided with some of the others that I was crying over not being apart of. As soon as this understanding and realization hit me, It took everything in me not to cry and become overwhelmed with emotion.
It was at this moment that I knew I messed up. Lol.
Conviction.
I began to feel guilty about questioning God’s plans and purpose for me. I did not know or see the plan at the time but God knew all along. I began to thank God for not allowing me to be apart of those other things. I would not have been able to have this opportunity if I was doing those other things. I was where I needed to be at the right time. I thanked Him for the opportunity he had placed in my hands. I promised him that I would handle it with care, love and to reflect him in everything I do and say in the midst of it. I was reminded of my purpose. He was making space for these moments and this task. He needed me to be free… mentally and physically. And he made sure of it. I don’t take it for granted.
I hope that my transparency resonates with you. Your value is not found in others. They do not dictate whether you are useful and adequate. We all have or have had these moments where we feel inadequate. I pray that in those moments we find the courage to seek God to find clarity, answers and for a reminder of who we are. And when we are reminded, I pray for an undoubting peace in knowing the prosperous plans that God has for us. I pray that as you are finding your purpose and walking in it, that you never lose sight of who holds your future.
If you find yourself in this space presently, here are some scriptures that have been reminders for me… Say them in your prayers. Make sticky notes and put them in your car or on your wall. ...Hide these scriptures in your heart.
JEREMIAH 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
ROMANS 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose
PSALM 37:4
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
PSALM 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Feel free to share some scriptures below that help to remind you who you are!
XOXO